Dichotomy Hubris ([info]dhubris) wrote,
@ 2005-05-08 18:12:00
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Vulgar Language
Have you every heard of the five love languages? Apart from being a series of books, its also a theory that there are five different ways that people express and receive love:

1. Words of affirmation
2. Receiving gifts
3. Quality time
4. Acts of service
5. Physical touch

I'm not sure how widely accepted this is in psychological circles or if it is just Dr. Chapman's pet theories that he's been able to spin to a money making series of books (yes I am cynical), but I definitely am the physical touch type when it comes to receiving and expressing love and affection. Words of affirmation or encouragement would be my second most common.

(Funnily enough, Sophie is an acts of service kind of person — sometimes opposites really do attract!)

I was thinking about this this morning. Hmmm... physical touch and words of affirmation... two things that really get used the wrong way when you are sexually abused. I wonder if these are my love languages because they were really hammered badly when I was nine years old — many parts of my psyche still forming — or if the they have been (or would have been) my love languages all along.

Dic. H.

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[info]da_rosas
2005-05-08 02:25 pm UTC (link)
Wow, thank you for these thoughts and the tie in to past abuse.

Not sure what my own preferred language(s) is, but something tied in to abuse for myself (though I definitely have some concerns like you on the physical touch and affirmations):

- Receiving gifts. In reality, I'm a "giver" of gifts. I have a horrible habit of buying people things or lavishing people with expensive or grandiose things (often times in terms of luxury 'services' like broadway tickets, entertainment, expensive dining, wine, trips... other). It is a tie-in to my childhood abuse and my father I suppose, who seemed only capable of expressing concern or apology by buying us things. I usually hated it, but there must have been a subconscious response to all that as I still do it with people, though I usually can express appreciation in other ways. I rarely actually "receive" gifts, though, at least in recent years.

- Acts of service. Not sure what this means in some ways, but I do enjoy doing volunteer work for causes I care about (can you guess? usually abuse related). In this case, maybe it's overcompensation for what I didn't get as a kid. My volunteer work usually includes ample dosages of sympathy, kindness, tolerance, time, and emotional generosity (at least I hope so!).

- Physical touch: I tend to be rather careful about receiving from people, but I have the strong urge (if not always executed) to hug and kiss people I appreciate. I actually can be very physical with people I really fell great about. My abuse growing up included physical and sexual abuse.

- Affirmations: I try to give affirmations to people I care about when I can, especially if I think they need it and don't get enough of it (a few people I know, they rarely receive validation for who they are, or what they've done and I try to do so periodically when I remember something or realize something they've done or whatever). On the other hand, I do have a hard time receiving affirmations without wanting to deny, reject, or just plain old squirm. I've been learning over the years to not squirm as much. *grins*

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[info]da_rosas
2005-05-08 02:26 pm UTC (link)
Forgot about quality of time: Not sure about my relationship with this, but it is important. I don't know if I give or get it in any conscious sense, though?

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[info]dhubris
2005-05-09 10:13 am UTC (link)
Acts of service I think is basically doing things for people because you enjoy doing things for people, and appreciate it when people do things for you. It could be baking cookies, or helping a friend who is moving house (as I did recently). It could just be doing the everyday things consistently because that's how you express your care and love for someone.

I agree with you about receiving affirmations being something I've had to learn to do graciously. I'd usually say something smart-alec and self-deprecating to diffuse it. Guess it ties into self-loathing which is a common effect of abuse...

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[info]sparklndymnd
2005-05-09 01:02 am UTC (link)
Interesting thought. My hubby Jason loves to receive physical touch. He will lie still for hours if I scratch/rub his back or play with his hair, and I know he's been that way since he was a little boy. I guess we're a good match because I'm more content "petting" him than having him pet me. I'm not sure what I prefer to recieve most. My (abuse) experiences have taught me to disregard verbal praises. I don't like people touching me, I don't value material things very much, and I don't like for people to do things for me (I'd rather do it myself).

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