More Invective
In my previous entry I talked about the five love languages and pondered if the sexual abuse I experienced as a child of nine effected my primary love language(s) or not.

Comments from da_rosas and sparklndymnd got me thinking a bit more on the topic more with regard to abuse survivors in general, and not just my own predicament.

First, if you are interested, below are a few links to some online quizzes to determine your main love language(s). I make no claim as to the veracity or accuracy of these. Caveat emptor:

Quiz 1
Quiz 2
Quiz 3

Note that I think we can and do express and receive love in all ways from time to time, but one or two of them are the main ways you recognise and have the most impact with you. For instance — as Sophie will testify — I am not one for expressing love through acts of service, I'm not good with the little things, but if you're a friend of mine and you need someone to help you move house, or need a ride because your car has broken down, then I'm your man.

I think abuse can really effect the way you receive and/or express love. For one thing, it can really screw up your notions of what loving behaviour is and isn't, just as it screws up your perceptions of acceptable and unacceptable behaviour in general, leaving you to question yourself a lot sometimes.

I see two main types of effect of abuse to a person's acceptance and expression of love: desensitisation and craving.

Desensitisation

One of the symptoms of PTSD is shutting down emotionally or feeling emotionally numb. This includes having loving feelings or feeling any strong emotions. This may also manifest as a distaste or refusal to accept expressions of love in particular forms. For instance someone who is verbally abused and put down all the time may not be able to accept affirmation or compliments, always suspicious. Someone who was physically or sexually abused may find physical contact uncomfortable or disconcerting.

It seems to me that desensitisation can lead to two opposite forms of behaviour:

• Withdrawal — where you take the emotional numbness to a high art form. Rarely expressing any genuine positive emotion other than cynicism and disdain.
• Indulgence — seeking out something, anything, to make you feel something again. This would often be self-destructive things like drugs or promiscuity.

Craving

Craving would be trying to find love in any way that you can. If your view of love has been distorted by abuse, you could be trying to find love in behaviour similar to the abuse that occurred in the first place. Some victims of abuse can find themselves easily involved with other abusers in the search for love, becoming prey for the abusive predator.

Others craving love can find caring and genuine suitors, but paradoxically be unable to accept that these people can really love “the real them”.

Thoughts?

Dic. H.